Government Funded Cannabis

According to scientists at Buffalo University, smoking marijuana can lead to men having a reduced sperm count. Inexplicably, the results of this research are presented as some cause for concern.

Details of the study were presented to the American Society of Reproductive Medicine in San Antonio. However, lead researcher Dr Lani Burkman has conceded that many men who smoke marijuana have fathered children and, further, that many other factors, such as diet, alcohol consumption, cigarette smoking and exercise also have an impact on fertility.

So, exactly what is the point of this new research? All it does is tell us that, along with hot baths, tight pants, and being too pissed to walk, marijuana may also contribute to a reduction in sperm count.

Consider this 'research' in the context of the recent news regarding the provision of free fertility treatment for infertile couples in the UK, the genetic predisposition of males and females of almost all known species towards promiscuity, and the fact that 1/3 of the population growth in the world is the result of incidental or unwanted pregnancies (Source: Germany World Population Fund, Dec 28, 1998), and reduced sperm counts seem like a positively good thing.

With humans living longer and exponential population growth it could be argued that there are already for too many people on this planet as it is. Furthermore, until such time as we can resolve the gross inequities in the distribution of basic survival requirements like water, food and shelter, I suggest we hang fire on this reproduction thing for at least a little while.

In fact, what better way to kick back, relax and keep the virus-with-shoes (humankind) from spreading like wildfire than having a toke? All of which brings us nicely to the argument for government funded marijuana supplies for all males above the age of consent! Let's face it, if the male contraceptive consisted of smoking a couple of hearty spliffs every day, that's half the 'fucking' problem sorted!

In the interests of equality and the furtherance of human knowledge, I am undertaking further research to determine the effects of marijuana consumption on female fertility. These scientific experiments will consist of getting a few chicks very stoned, fucking 'em, and seeing how many of them end up pregnant. Of course, as a control measure and in the interests of ensuring fair results, I'm also going to have to fuck a load of women that aren't stoned. Willing females who wish to partake in this research should be between the ages of 18 and 32 and contact me at the usual address including a recent photograph and indicating whether they wish to be fucked stoned or straight.