Tom Cruise - Rainman Gets Wet

Oh how the heady world of celebrity stardom is paved with trials and tribulations.

The Super Ego of everyone's favourite Scientologist,Tom Cruise, was minorly bruised in a life-threatening terrorist attack earlier this week that resulted in the pint-sized-protagonist of War of the Worlds becoming ever-so-slightly wetter than he usually is.

Mr Cruise was squirted in the face with a small amount of water from a mocked-up microphone and became very upset by the stunt that occured during publicity interviews outside the premiere for War of the Worlds (or, more correctly, "Raw fo teh Drowls" for those in the know):

"Why would you do that?...why would you do that...why would you do that? That's incredibly rude. I'm here giving you an interview and you do that...it's incredibly rude... "You're a jerk ... you're a jerk!"

So offended are the sensibilities of Thomas Cruise Mapother IV's concept of 'I', that he is considering legal action against the pranksters who carried out the stunt for a new Friday night show on Channel 4, Balls of Steel.

Within hours loud-mouthed, media-whore supreme, Sharon Osbourne (sorry, Ozzy, it has to be said), herself a recent 'victim' (in the rather undramatic sense) of the same pranksters, leapt in on the free-publicity ride that constantly rewards mediocrity and the majesty of irrelevance and has vowed to help Cruise get revenge.

Osbourne retalliated in kind, soaking a cameraman with a bucket of water which, as if to indicate the perversity of the whole debacle, had previously been used to chill champagne.

Cruise has yet to take action and The Antagonist very much looks forward to witnessing the course of action chosen by the $25 million-a-film Rainman with an aversion to water.

What keeps you cooler, Mr Cruise, water or Scientology?